Wednesday, September 9, 2009

I’m Worried About That In Advance

Pickle Cookie is sitting here at work and she's got some worries.

Some things Pickle Cookie is currently worried about include, but are not limited to:

1. New onset of severe stomach pain when she takes her usual MVM supplement. Clearly a symptom of colon cancer. OMG! Or an ulcer. Can Pickle Cookie die from an ulcer? Will her internist insist on sending her for a diagnostic PickleCookieoscopy? PC (Pickle Cookie) says, “Nothing is going ‘In” the ‘Out’ hole”.

2. Termites. Pickle Cookie saw something crawly under the rosebush edging, near the washing machine run-off valve, under the kitchen window. The ground there looks all EWWW! What if…?

3. Pickle Cookie's generic anti-palpitation medicine, metoprolol tartrate, came from a different manufacturer this month. What if it doesn’t work as well? And she need a higher dose? For palpitations??But the next size up is a great big tablet, and Pickle Cookie has swallow issues. If Pickle Cookie has to swallow that big horse tablet she will assuredly choke and die! And also? The new pill is shockingly pink. Great! Food color ADHD to boot.

4. Finances.

5. Hair loss.

6. Tomatoes.

Some future things that Pickle Cookie likes to worry about in advance:

1. Endodontist, Part One Million, tomorrow. Tooth #15 has been treated three times, by two different specialists, and is still plenty hurty at the gum line. And maybe a little hurty with chewing pressure too. Pickle Cookie hasn’t actually chewed there on purpose because…this tooth cost 184639 gigabillionty dollars to treat from filling to crown to re-re-do dah root canal(s). This tooth used up Pickle Cookie's entire dental benefit for the year and is still hurty.

President Obama, Hello? Hello? Is there any impending dental reform that can help Pickle Cookie before she is toofless?

Pickle Cookie received an email from the endodontist warning her that pain from heat or cold means a completely different tooth somewhere in the area also needs treatment. Pickle Cookie is, of course, worried in advance about that.

2. Client business function this weekend. The client is snooty-tooty but the function is big, so the Pickle Cookies probably won’t have to talk. But what if the snoots engage them in social discourse?{Run awaaaaay!} Dahling, it’s mahvelous to see you, mwha! Mwha! Blech. And also? Pickle Cookie may not be able to lose twenty pounds and become a natural blonde by Friday.(Mr.Pickle Cookie is constantly fabulous. All the women want to be seen with him and all the men want to BE him).

3. The inevitable demise of my beloved puppy dogs, who will turn eight in October. The natural lifespan for that breed is about fourteen. Waaah! I am sad in advance, worrying about the downhill slide into the last days with my precious snowflakes!

My father was Pickle Cookie pensive so I get that I inherited my lean that way, plus OCD ish all on my own. Sometimes I amuse myself by following the worry trail to its most extreme and unlikely end…which requires administration of additional anti-palpitation medication, stat, lest I decompensate and create a black hole of suck in the Universe.

And now back to my regularly scheduled work day.